“You… you rubbed your saliva on my face today.”

Dyck and Doyle came back from the school early today because Doyle had a fever.

I was upstairs for a bit, so I wasn’t convinced that Doyle had a fever today until he started making wild hand gestures and chewing on his stuffed alligator for about five minutes straight.

You read that right.

I was kind of watching with the slightest amusement and possibly uneasiness (it’s weird to watch your friends shove stuffed alligators into their mouths), when he flung it at my face.

It was soaking wet.

I shrieked and he promptly grabbed it back, let me shriek for a bit, and threw it at my face again. After the third or fourth time of him doing this, my face was actually damp. I ran to the kitchen to wipe his saliva off of my face, and upon returning, he had gone upstairs with the alligator.

The alligator didn’t come back down with him, so I thought that he put it in his room. That is, until I noticed how pleased he looked.

He was way too satisfied.

I bolted up the stairs.

This, ladies and gentlemen, greeted me:

SON OF A BITCH.

That is my laptop, and my French homework, and my beautiful new desk, with his saliva-covered alligator on it.

Kelsey: You ASSHOLE! You are so GROSS, CHRIS!

The boys are killing themselves with laughter downstairs, and when I return, Chris is positively beaming.

Kelsey: What the hell.

Doyle: At least I’ve started to put my own stuff in my mouth now. (Chris has a history of putting my belongings in his mouth, by the by. I won’t go into details.)

As I’m sitting in the armchair next to him downstairs, visibly perturbed, there is a silence. Then:

Kelsey: You… you rubbed your saliva on my face today.

Doyle: And I have a fever.

I stare at him. He grins.

Kelsey: I AM GOING UPSTAIRS NOW.

Doyle: Aww, but why?

I think he was actually sincere with that one, because a couple minutes later he followed me upstairs to ask me if I’d seen the new Taylor Swift video.

Doyle: HEY. Have you seen the new Taylor Swift video?

Kelsey: There are furries, I know, Emily showed me.

Doyle: One of them winked at me and I felt uncomfortable.

Kelsey: Okay.

Doyle: I just thought you should know that.

Kelsey: Okay.

Doyle: Once she did a music video with T-Pain and she was rapping and stuff, but about lots of girly things, like doing her hair and makeup, but she was all, “BUT I’M STILL THUG” and T-Pain rapped behind her and it was awesome. At the end they bleeped something out that she said, but it wasn’t even a swear word, and she seemed all upset and stuff, and T-Pain ended the video and her name was T-Swizzle.

Kelsey: I… T-Swizzle?

Doyle: T-Swizzle.

He actually is pretty sick/exhausted. I would feel worse if he hadn’t nearly taken my eye out with a pillow earlier.

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